Texts You Should Never Have Sent (But Definitely Have)

The ex, the boss, the Uber driver who became your therapist – let’s analyse the worst drunk texts and how to recover from them.

Drunk texting is an art, a science, and a complete disaster all rolled into one. It starts with good intentions—a casual check-in, a flirty message, maybe even an insightful observation about life. But somewhere between your fifth or sixth drink, your thumbs develop a mind of their own, and before you know it, you’ve sent something so mortifying that even your future self cringes.

I am the biggest culprit of the drunk text. At one stage, it got to a point where I had to get my friends to confiscate my phone when the drunk version of me was in full force. And it wasn’t just people I knew. I’m talking celebrities, restaurants, hell, even my Uber driver was at risk!

And while I’ve been guilty of the classics – the texts to the ex, either slating them or confessing undying love, and the infamous booty call text (who among us hasn’t sent a "U up?" in a moment of weakness?) – my real downfall? The "I can fix them" text. Because nothing says emotional stability like offering unsolicited life advice at 3 AM.

We’ve all woken up, rolled over, and unlocked our phones with the kind of dread usually reserved for horror films. The evidence of our crimes? A string of texts that should never have left the drafts. Let’s break down the absolute worst offenders – and how to recover from them.

1. The Exorcism Text (a.k.a. Messaging Your Ex)

• “I just think it’s funny how…”

• “I miss you. Do you miss me?”

• “I know you’re probably asleep, but I just wanted to say I never stopped loving you.”

Ah, yes. The unholy trinity of texts to an ex. Sent somewhere between tequila shot #4 and a sudden wave of nostalgia, these messages serve no purpose other than to ruin your own dignity. The worst part? They either won’t reply (humiliating) or they will reply, and now you’re in a full-blown emotional spiral.

And let's be real—if they do reply, you’re setting yourself up for a world of regret. Either you’ll argue about the same things that broke you up in the first place, or you’ll end up back in their bed, waking up with a hangover and an existential crisis.

How to recover:

• Delete their number (for real this time).

• Blame it on a friend who “stole your phone.”

• Accept your fate and move to a remote island.

• Get a hobby that isn’t self-sabotage.

2. The Horny & Hopeless Text

• “U up?”

• “You looked really good tonight.”

• “I could be there in 5 minutes.”

Sent at exactly 2:37 AM when logic has left the chat, this is the text that ensures you wake up with either regret or someone you definitely don’t want to be sharing a bed with. Bonus points if you double-text and follow it up with an emoji that can only be described as desperate.

And let’s be honest—if you’re sending this, you probably aren’t looking your best. You’re barefoot, eating leftover chips in bed, and slurring your words. The person on the receiving end isn’t getting some suave, mysterious version of you; they’re getting drunk desperation in a text bubble.

How to recover:

• Hope they didn’t see it.

• Pretend you meant to text a different person.

• If they reply, ignore them for the next 24 hours to re-establish dominance.

• Delete the chat, block them, and claim you’re entering your celibacy era.

3. The Cringe Compliment Text

• “You’re literally my favourite person ever.”

• “I love you so much. No seriously. You don’t even understand.”

• “I’ve never met anyone like you before.”

You sent this to your mate, a stranger, or worse – someone you’ve been speaking to for two weeks. In the moment, you felt it. But in the cold light of day, you realise you just trauma-dumped affection onto someone who probably didn’t need it.

And now? You look unhinged. They didn’t ask for this Shakespearean sonnet at 1 AM, yet here you are, confessing emotions deeper than the ocean.

How to recover:

• Play it off as “just a joke.”

• Gaslight yourself into believing it wasn’t that bad.

• Accept your fate as an emotional mess.

• Say you got hacked, but only partially.

4. The Absolute Nonsense Text

• “chickens r just government spies with feathers”

• “where do pigeons sleep”

• “I jus fink crisps r a bit sexy yano”

This is when you’ve reached the goblin mode stage of drunk texting. No meaning. No context. Just pure, unfiltered chaos. If you think you’ve never sent one, check your messages. You might be surprised.

And honestly? This one isn’t so bad. At least it’s entertaining. In fact, you should probably own it.

How to recover:

• Act like it was part of a deep intellectual thought process.

• Pretend someone else had your phone.

• Own it. You’re a modern philosopher.

• Write a TED Talk.

Final Advice

If you wake up and see any of these texts in your outbox, do not panic. First, take a deep breath, put your phone on airplane mode, and make yourself a strong cup of coffee. Consider your options: Ignoring it entirely and pretending it never happened is always a valid choice. If you must address it, go with the classic “Haha, sorry, I was so drunk last night” and hope for the best. Avoid sending follow-ups—doubling down never works, and you’ll only dig yourself deeper into the hole of regret.

If your dignity has taken a serious hit, you might want to consider putting your phone in a locked box before nights out or entrusting it to a responsible friend. Better yet, start typing your emotional rants into the Notes app instead of someone’s inbox. It’s safer that way. But ultimately, life is short. Everyone’s sent a questionable text at some point, so own your chaos, laugh it off, and try to do better next time (or at least drink more water before bed).