The Morning After: What Your Choice of Food Says About You (and Why Science Thinks You’re a Little Crazy)

Ah, the morning after. You wake up, mascara smeared, last night’s outfit still on, and an overwhelming urge to consume something greasy, carby, or just plain bizarre. Over the years, I’ve gone through phases—sometimes I was a full English breakfast kind of girl, other times I swore by a single can of full-fat Coke to bring me back to life. And let’s not even talk about the time I thought an entire tub of ice cream was the answer (spoiler: it was not).

There have been mornings where I’ve woken up to find last night’s takeaway in my bed like an unwanted sleepover guest. Sometimes, I’ve even shared a kebab with my dog, bonding over the mutual understanding that neither of us should be eating this but both of us absolutely will. Other times, I’ve woken up clutching a half-eaten burger like a comfort item, as if it could somehow provide emotional support for the questionable decisions made the night before.

Your first meal after a night out isn’t just about survival—it’s a reflection of your current state of being. Are you trying to pull yourself together with something sensible, or are you fully leaning into the chaos? Let’s break down what your morning-after food choice really says about you—and why, scientifically, you’re a little bit out of your mind. Oh, and just for fun, I’ve included some healthier alternatives that might just make your body and your conscience feel a little better.

The Full English Breakfast

You are a warrior. A full English is the meal of a person who refuses to be defeated by their own terrible decisions. The sausages, bacon, eggs, beans, and toast are not just food; they are an edible apology to your liver. You might still be slightly tipsy, but with a plate piled high in front of you, you’re determined to recover. Bonus points if you can keep the black pudding down.

The Science Behind It: Your body is screaming for protein and carbs to stabilise your blood sugar and replenish what alcohol has taken from you. Bacon and eggs are packed with protein that helps your body rebuild, while the carbs in the toast give you that energy boost you desperately need. Your liver is also thanking you, silently, for the beans and tomatoes, which provide antioxidants that help with the alcohol-induced oxidative stress. Basically, you’re feeding your body the hangover hangover it deserves.

Healthier Alternative: Swap the sausages and bacon for lean turkey or plant-based options. Try whole-grain toast instead of white, and add sautéed spinach and mushrooms for extra vitamins and fibre. If you’re still craving eggs, go for scrambled or poached instead of fried—your liver will thank you later.

The Leftover Takeaway

You are unbothered. You woke up, saw the half-eaten pizza or kebab from last night, and thought, "That’ll do." You are living in the moment, embracing the fact that what was good at 3 AM is still good now. You don’t worry about hygiene, dignity, or whether the chips have gone a bit soggy. You, my friend, are truly free.

The Science Behind It: That cold, greasy pizza or kebab is your body’s desperate cry for quick energy—fat and carbs are exactly what your blood sugar needs after a night of boozing. Alcohol drops your blood sugar levels, and your brain is like, “I need sugar, I need it now.” The fats in the takeout are comforting to your stomach, trying to soothe the chaos inside, even if your dignity takes a hit. But hey, it’s not about dignity, it’s about survival.

Healthier Alternative: If you can’t resist the cold pizza, try a healthier version by swapping the cheese for a lighter option (or vegan cheese), and pile on the veggies—peppers, onions, spinach, anything you can find! For the kebab, go for a grilled chicken or falafel wrap with loads of salad, and skip the greasy sauces for something like hummus or tzatziki.

A Can of Full-Fat Coke

You are hanging on by a thread. You can’t face solid food yet, but you know that the holy trinity of sugar, caffeine, and carbonation will get you through. You are fragile. Every sip is a reminder that you are alive, even if you wish you weren’t. This is a temporary fix, but sometimes, temporary fixes are all we have.

The Science Behind It: The sugar spike will give you a quick energy burst (thanks to caffeine and carbonation), but it’s the caffeine that’s the real hero here, fighting your fatigue and the grogginess that comes from being 75% hungover and 25% still drunk. The carbonation might even soothe your stomach if it’s still struggling from last night’s cocktail mishap. But don’t be fooled—this is a Band-Aid, not a cure. That sugar crash is coming, my friend.

Healthier Alternative: Ditch the Coke and opt for a sparkling water with a squeeze of fresh lemon or lime. You’ll still get the fizz without the sugar crash, and you might even throw in a dash of ginger, which can help with nausea. If you need caffeine, try an iced green tea or matcha latte—antioxidants and hydration, all in one!

McDonald’s Breakfast

You planned ahead. You are a seasoned professional in the art of hangovers. You knew, in the depths of last night’s chaos, that you would need a McMuffin and a hash brown to function. The fact that you remembered to order it (or at least set an alarm to do so) shows true dedication. You will survive this day, even if it means spending an extra hour in bed watching trash TV.

The Science Behind It: Fast food breakfasts are the perfect hangover hack. Your body is craving salt, carbs, and fat to restore balance. A McMuffin and hash brown are packed with just that, giving your body what it needs to stabilise blood sugar levels. Those crispy hash browns are also helping your body hold onto water—because, let’s be real, dehydration is the real villain here. It’s fast, comforting, and the perfect hangover survival kit.

Healthier Alternative: Go for a whole grain wrap with scrambled eggs, avocado, and a side of fruit instead of hash browns. You’ll get all the delicious goodness without the greasy aftermath. If you need something to sip on, grab a smoothie with greens, protein powder, and some hydrating coconut water.

Nothing at All

You are suffering. Maybe you physically can’t move. Maybe the thought of food makes your stomach turn. Maybe you’re still lying in bed, contemplating every decision that led you to this moment. Either way, the world is a cruel and unforgiving place right now, and food is not your friend. Stay strong.

The Science Behind It: Sometimes, your digestive system is just… done. After the onslaught of alcohol, your body is focusing all its energy on healing. Food is the last thing your stomach wants to see, and your body is telling you that it’s time to rest and hydrate. You might be in denial about your hangover, but your body knows it’s not ready for food yet. Hydration is key here, so sip slowly and wait for the world to right itself.

Healthier Alternative: If the thought of food makes you queasy, focus on hydration first. Try sipping on electrolyte drinks or coconut water. Once your stomach settles, a smoothie bowl or some plain oatmeal with fresh fruit can gently ease you into the recovery process.

An Entire Packet of Crisps

You are delusional. You think, "I just need something salty," but before you know it, you’ve inhaled an entire family-sized bag of cheese and onion. It was supposed to be a snack, but now it’s your only meal of the day. You are beyond saving, but at least you’re self-aware about it.

The Science Behind It: Salt is a godsend when you’re dehydrated—your body is craving those electrolytes to help restore balance. However, you’ve gone a little overboard, haven’t you? The excessive salt is only going to make you more dehydrated, but in the moment, it feels right. Your body’s need for sodium trumps all rationality, so you end up polishing off that entire packet of crisps, convinced it’s doing more good than harm.

Healthier Alternative: Try some salted almonds or a handful of mixed nuts instead. They’ll satisfy your salt craving and provide some healthy fats and protein to keep you going without that carb crash. Alternatively, try a veggie dip with hummus or guacamole—same saltiness, but with some actual nutrients.

A Random, Unhinged Choice (Ice Cream, Cereal, Pickles?)

You are unpredictable. No one, not even you, knows why you’re eating what you’re eating. Ice cream straight from the tub? A bowl of dry Weetabix? An entire jar of pickles? There is no rhyme or reason to your choice, but in your current state, logic doesn’t exist. You are embracing the chaos, and honestly, respect.

The Science Behind It: After a night of drinking, your body’s neurotransmitters are all out of whack. Your brain is looking for anything to restore balance—sugar, salt, and random weird combinations seem to help. But hey, sometimes you just need that small victory of feeling in control, even if it’s over an unholy pairing of pickles and ice cream.

Healthier Alternative: If you’re after something cold and creamy, opt for a frozen banana and berry smoothie. If your craving is more on the salty side, try pickled vegetables like kimchi or olives. They’ll scratch that itch without the random chaos.

Final Thoughts:

The morning-after food is more than just a way to refuel; it’s a snapshot of your hangover personality. Are you a warrior determined to recover, or are you embracing the chaos like the true retired party girl you are? Whether you’re nursing a greasy fry-up or sipping on sparkling water, one thing is clear: you’ll live to do it all again. Or, at the very least, you’ll promise yourself you won’t… until next weekend.

And hey, next time, you might even make the healthier choice. Maybe.